i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
