I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
