I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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