He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
