just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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