so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
