At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
