So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
