I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize