Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
