my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
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