Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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