alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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