hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I think your dad took our porno
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
