wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
