Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
NoShamevember. You game?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
