Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
