Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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