First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Randomize
