Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
