So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
