Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize