I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
