So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Randomize