I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
