Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
