dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
