I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You ruined the universe
Randomize
