she kept yelling 'call me bella'
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Come on in and take your pants off
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