I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize