i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize