just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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