worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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