VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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