I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
