When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
