I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
