You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Randomize
