Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
