32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
