How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
