if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
