Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
