Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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