Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize