i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
