so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
