I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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