I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
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