I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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