we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
