I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize