My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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