I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
