dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
