You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
