If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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