My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
