I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
