No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Im part way to drunk.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
