Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
