He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize