i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
