you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
