and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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