your parents love me but you hate me
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I don't deserve a penis
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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