i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
