For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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