Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
