cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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