she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
